#enjoy your bowel obstruction...

[ghetsis]

When your head scientist swallows a large chunk of solid metal.

[mermaid886]

Struggling with writing lately due to personal things, but received the same nightmare call twice within a month!

Call about Grandma 1, 3 weeks ago: “The doctor just saw us. She has a bowel obstruction and is going in for emergency surgery. With her heart, there’s a good chance she may not come out.”

Grandma 1 makes it after a fright-filled night and has spent the last weeks battling a post surgical infection.

Today at work:

Call about Grandma 2: “We’re on the way to the hospital. She also has a bowel obstruction and they’re calling family in, they say there’s a 90% chance she’ll be gone by tomorrow.”

Please, if you pray, keep my family in your prayers.

I don’t usually post personal, real world stuff on here, but the storm of the past couple months has affected me and my writing a lot, so in my eyes, it’s still relevant.

Also, in light of this, please think before you leave a nasty comment on someone’s work or choose to not comment at all on a thing you enjoy.

They don’t need your negativity, but they may need that little nudge to remind them that someone cares.

I see my writing friends struggling with this all the time and you have no idea what the real world looks like for someone, what you say could make their day or break it.

[pelipper]

Happy Disability Pride Month! ❤️💛🤍💙💚

Good afternoon, my fellow chronic illness warriors! Your local ostomate is here to share a little synopsis of her disability journey. It's time to buckle up because we're about to get a little personal on main. My hope is that through sharing my story, it will let you know that you're not alone in this struggle.

I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease back in 2015, right before my 23rd birthday. I went from living as a relatively healthy college student to a chronically ill disabled gal who spent most of her days in the doctor's office. I've spent weeks of my life in the hospital since then and have had more scopes than I can count over the years. I had an ileostomy earlier this year, which was my first surgery for Crohn's. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared out of my mind when my surgeon brought up the possibility of having a stoma.

My ileostomy journey began when I ended up in the emergency room earlier this March with a bowel obstruction. I spent a week in the hospital and I was discharged with a PICC Line in my arm, unable to eat solid foods until my bowel resection. The NG tube was definitely the worst part of my hospital stay, so there was no way I was risking another obstruction before my surgery. Thankfully, I was able to make it to May without needing to go back to the ER.

My surgery went well, and I'm set to have my ileostomy reversed at the end of summer. It's been a weird, bumpy road filled with tons of potholes these past few years, but when you're chronically ill you are used to every day presenting you with new challenges.

I decided to include a purple background on the graphic I whipped up for this post to signify those who are living with autoimmune diseases. 💜

Also, for Disability Pride Month this year I wanted to ask anyone who may be new to this site and to those who may be returning after hiatus to please use Alt Text on your images whenever you post them! If you click the three dots on any image you upload, you'll be greeted with a drop-down list. If you click on "Update Image Description" you can write up a short blurb describing the image you just posted. This helps makes Tumblr more accessible to folks using screen readers.

I'm legally blind, but thankfully I can see well enough to read text on a computer screen thanks to my glasses. Some people aren't able to enjoy posts without a screen reader, so if you do anything for Disability Pride this July, please start adding Alt Text to your posts!

With your help we can make this little slice of the internet that much more accessible for our fellow Tumblrites!

[neonthoughtsforever]

Thinking about the time I was constipated and hadn’t pooped in 4 days so I thought I had a small bowel obstruction (that week I put more NG tubes in patients with SBOs than I have since I started working as a nurse I s2g so I was projecting a little bit) so I went to the store and bought a laxative. I gave it a whole day but it didn’t work. I had to go to work that night but I decided I’d go to immediate care in the morning when I got off. I grabbed a coffee from 7/11 because I didn’t have time to make one before work and Good Lord. That coffee. Cleaned. Me. Out. I lost about 4lbs after annihilating the employee bathroom in the hospital and watched my stomach deflate to the point I had to re-tie my scrub pants to make them tighter.

Moral of the story: don’t waste your time on OTC laxatives. Get a large coffee for $1.49 at 7/11 and enjoy your newly emptied intestines

[heralthcaremarketingblogs]

What Happens If Fibroids Go Untreated?

Uterine fibroids, also known as myomas or leiomyomas, are non-cancerous growths that develop in or around the uterus. Approximately 37% of Indian women aged 20-40, and 57% of those aged 40-59, have fibroids. While many fibroids are small and asymptomatic, untreated fibroids can lead to various health issues that impact quality of life.

Since 1990, the global cases of uterine fibroids have been rising. The age-standardized incidence rate grew by 6.87%, from 225.67 per 100,000 people in 1990 to 241.18 in 2019. In 2019, there were 9.64 million new cases of fibroids globally, bringing the total number of cases worldwide to 226.05 million.

These rising numbers of fibroids cases worldwide have also led to an increase in complications arising from untreated fibroids. So, let’s explain the importance of knowing the risks of ignoring fibroids, when to seek treatment for this problem, and the potential treatment options available. Understanding these factors can help you make better health choices and consider the various treatment options that exist for treating uterine fibroids.

What are Uterine Fibroids?

Uterine fibroids are non-cancerous growths that can form in or around the uterus, varying widely in size, number, and location. They can grow within the uterine wall (intramurally), on the outer surface (subserosally), beneath the uterine lining (submucosally), or on stalks extending from the uterus (pedunculated). 

Their effects depend on size and location, causing anything from no symptoms to severe discomfort, heavy menstrual bleeding, and other complications like pelvic pain, frequent urination, or fertility issues. While some women remain unaware of their fibroids, others may require treatment to manage these symptoms. Even for women with no symptoms, getting the condition diagnosed and being under medical guidance is required to prevent the risk of complications.

Potential Consequences of Untreated Fibroids

Leaving fibroids untreated can lead to a range of health issues, from mild to severe. Here’s a closer look at the potential risks and complications:

Increased Pain and Discomfort: When fibroids grow larger, they can cause constant pain and pressure in the pelvic area. The persistent ache can also extend to the lower back or legs if the fibroids press on nerves, impacting your overall comfort and mobility. Fibroids often lead to severe menstrual cramps. The pain can be so intense that it interferes with your ability to work, attend school, or enjoy daily activities. These cramps can be more severe than typical menstrual pain and may last longer, making it difficult to maintain your usual routine during your period.  

Heavy and Prolonged Menstrual Bleeding: Fibroids can cause your periods to be much heavier and longer than usual. This condition, known as menorrhagia, can lead to significant blood loss. Over time, this heavy bleeding can result in anaemia, a condition where you don’t have enough red blood cells to carry oxygen throughout your body. Anaemia can cause you to feel very tired, weak, and short of breath, affecting your energy levels and ability to perform daily activities.  

Reproductive Challenges: Depending on where they are located and how big they are, fibroids can make it hard to get pregnant. They can block the fallopian tubes, preventing the sperm from reaching the egg, or they can distort the shape of the uterus, making it difficult for an embryo to implant and grow. This can lead to challenges in conceiving naturally and may require medical intervention. If you get pregnant with fibroids, they can lead to complications during pregnancy. Fibroids can increase the risk of miscarriage, where the pregnancy ends on its own, or lead to preterm birth, where the baby is born too early. They can also cause complications during labour, such as obstructing the birth canal or leading to a need for a cesarean section (C-section).  

Urinary and Bowel Problems: Large fibroids can press against your bladder, which can make you feel like you need to urinate frequently or cause difficulty in fully emptying your bladder. This can be similar to the problems experienced by men due to an enlarged prostate. This pressure can be uncomfortable and may lead to urinary tract infections (UTIs) if the bladder isn’t emptied completely. Fibroids pressing on the rectum can cause constipation and bowel discomfort, making it hard to have regular bowel movements and causing abdominal pain.  

Abdominal Swelling: As fibroids grow, they can cause your abdomen to swell or bloat, similar to the appearance of pregnancy. It can also make it hard to wear certain clothes or engage in physical activities comfortably. Abdominal swelling or bloating can also impact your mood and overall energy levels during the day.  

Impact on Quality of Life: The combination of chronic pain, heavy bleeding, and urinary or bowel issues can severely impact your daily life. You might find it hard to go to work, participate in social activities, or even perform simple tasks at home. The ongoing discomfort and disruption can also affect your emotional well-being, leading to stress, anxiety, or depression. Managing these symptoms and finding effective treatment can greatly improve your quality of life and overall health.

When to Seek Treatment

Given the potential complications of untreated fibroids, it’s essential to seek medical advice if you notice any symptoms that may indicate their presence. Early diagnosis and intervention can prevent further issues and significantly improve your quality of life. You should see top gynaecologists in Delhi in these situations if you monitor any of the symptoms mentioned below.

Menstrual and Pelvic Symptoms: Heavy, prolonged, or painful menstrual periods might indicate fibroids in your uterine lining. These symptoms can cause significant blood loss, leading to anaemia and fatigue. Persistent pelvic pain or pressure in the lower abdomen may also suggest larger fibroids pressing on your pelvic organs. Such symptoms can disrupt daily life and highlight the need for medical evaluation and potential treatment.  

Urinary and Bowel Symptoms: Fibroids can press against your bladder and rectum, causing significant urinary and bowel issues. If you have trouble emptying your bladder or feel the need to urinate frequently, fibroids might be pressing on your bladder, increasing the risk of urinary tract infections. Similarly, frequent urination or constipation could indicate fibroids impacting the bladder or rectum, leading to abdominal discomfort. These symptoms highlight the need for medical evaluation and treatment to manage the pressure and improve your quality of life.  

Abdominal Changes: Fibroids can cause your abdomen to swell, altering your body shape and making it hard to fit into your clothes. Large fibroids may create a noticeable bulge, resembling pregnancy, which can affect your comfort and self-esteem. These changes highlight the need for medical evaluation and possible treatment to manage symptoms.

With timely diagnosis, it is possible to manage uterine fibroids with medical treatment. Surgical intervention is not mandatory and the condition can often be treated medicinally as well. Here are some of the most common treatment options for fibroids.

Treatment Options for Fibroids

Managing fibroids involves various treatments, from medication to surgery. The best option depends on the severity of symptoms, fibroid size and location, and the patient's fertility goals. 

Medication

Treating fibroids often starts with medications based on symptoms, fibroid size, and fertility goals. Medicines that work as hormonal therapies are commonly used in this treatment process. Some of the examples of medicines used to treat fibroids include:

Birth control pills help regulate menstrual cycles and reduce heavy bleeding, making periods more manageable, though they don’t shrink fibroids.  

GnRH agonists lower estrogen and progesterone levels in your body to temporarily shrink fibroids. They’re used short-term or before surgery but can cause side effects like bone thinning and menopause-like symptoms.  

SPRMs (Selective Progesterone Receptor Modulators) control fibroid growth and reduce heavy bleeding without inducing a menopause-like state. They maintain balanced hormone levels while shrinking fibroids.

Non-Surgical Procedures for Managing Fibroids

For those seeking to manage fibroids without surgery, non-surgical options like Uterine Fibroid Embolization (UFE) and MRI-guided Focused Ultrasound Surgery (FUS) can offer relief from the symptoms with quick recovery for patients.

UFE is a minimally invasive procedure where tiny particles are injected into the blood vessels, feeding the fibroids. These particles cut off the blood supply of the fibroids and cause them to shrink. This helps reduce heavy bleeding and pelvic pain while preserving the uterus, allowing you to get back to your normal activities quickly.  

FUS uses high-frequency ultrasound waves guided and directed by an MRI machine to accurately target and destroy fibroid tissue. This non-invasive procedure lets you return to your daily activities quickly with minimal downtime.

Medicinal and non-invasive treatments are becoming more readily available for uterine fibroids. However, for complex cases or larger fibroids, surgical intervention is still the standard treatment procedure recommended to patients. Here is a look at the different surgical treatment options for uterine fibroids.

Surgical Options for Treating Fibroids

Myomectomy: A myomectomy removes fibroids while preserving the uterus, making it ideal for women who wish to keep their fertility. This procedure can be performed using various methods:

Hysteroscopic Myomectomy: This minimally invasive procedure removes fibroids through the vagina and cervix without any external incisions. It’s typically done on an outpatient basis and is used for fibroids located inside the uterine cavity.  

Laparoscopic Myomectomy: This procedure involves making small incisions in the abdomen and using a camera and surgical tools to remove fibroids. This approach offers a shorter recovery time compared to open surgery and is suitable for smaller fibroids.  

Abdominal Myomectomy: Abdominal Myomectomy requires a larger incision in the abdomen to access and remove larger or multiple fibroids. This method allows for thorough fibroid removal but has a longer recovery period.

Hysterectomy:  A hysterectomy involves removing the uterus. It is a surgical option for treating fibroids, particularly in severe cases or when other treatments haven’t worked. This procedure permanently treats uterine fibroids but also ends the possibility of conceiving as the entire uterus is removed. Additionally, a hysterectomy can be an essential part of endometriosis treatment, providing relief from chronic pain and other symptoms by removing the uterus and affected tissues. If other treatment procedures have not been able to treat your condition, you can check out MASSH, as we provide the best hysterectomy surgeries in Delhi.

Conclusion

Untreated fibroids can lead to a range of complications, from minor discomfort to severe health issues. Timely diagnosis and treatment are essential to managing fibroids effectively and maintaining an optimal quality of life. If you suspect you have fibroids or are experiencing the symptoms mentioned here, it is recommended you consult with your healthcare provider to explore the underlying cause of your symptoms and the various treatment options. Taking proactive steps toward your health and well-being can help you prevent medical complications in the future. For personalised advice and to discuss the best treatment plan for you, schedule an appointment with the best gynaecologist in Delhi at MASSH through our website. Request a callback today.

Source: https://massh.in/

[fisiodubai]

Decoding Sciatica: Looking into the Causes and Triggers of Nerve Pain

The spreading agony of sciatica can obstruct even the most fundamental joys in life. All parts of a person's life, from the mundane to the extraordinary, can be touched by its far-reaching effects. Because of the persistent numbness, searing pain, and throbbing, even everyday actions might become difficult, limiting your ability to enjoy the things you once loved. Sciatica can make even the most pleasurable activities, like playing a beloved sport, going for a morning walk, or getting a good night's sleep, seem like impossible dreams. To better understand the impact of this debilitating disease, we investigate sciatica in this study.

Is It Sciatica Or A Different Condition?Most people mistakenly believe that sciatica is just another kind of back pain. Despite the fact that sciatica might imitate back pain, this is not always the case. Sciatica is characterised by a pain that radiates downward along the course of the sciatic nerve. Other, more localised back issues might not exhibit this hallmark radiation. Differentiating sciatica from other types of back pain requires careful consideration of the pain's sort, location, frequency, and irradiation pattern.

Signs and Symptoms of NeuropathySciatica symptoms, which often impact just one side of the body, can be mild to severe. Most of the time, they start out slowly and could worsen with time. Common symptoms and indications include of: Pain:Here we have the most common symptom. Sciatica can manifest in different ways. You can feel mild pain, slight burning, or severe agony. Sitting, sneezing, or coughing seems to aggravate the pain.

Pain Radiation: Sciatica is a common condition that affects many people. It begins from the base of the back and travels down the buttocks and into the lower leg. There are also many who report pain in the front, sides, or hips of their legs.

Numbness, Tingling, or Weakness: These symptoms often present in the foot or lower extremity on the side of the affected nerve. Others may feel a weakening of the muscles or have problems moving their legs or feet, while still others describe it as a pins and needles feeling.

Getting Around:

People with severe sciatica may find it difficult to stand or walk because they have trouble moving their legs or feet.

Inability to Control One's Bladder or Bowels: This rare but potentially harmful symptom can occur in conjunction with sciatica. Cauda equina syndrome is a life-threatening condition that requires prompt medical attention.

Relieve Sciatica Pain QuicklyTo alleviate sciatica pain rapidly, you might try a few different approaches. Cold or hot packs applied to the affected area might decrease inflammation and alleviate sciatica pain. Proper posture, the use of supporting cushions, and avoiding long periods of sitting can also provide relief. Remember that these measures can help in the short term, but they should only be used in conjunction with targeted therapy that you can get from a licenced physiotherapist.

Injections for Sciatica Relief:If non-invasive treatments fail to alleviate symptoms, a doctor at massage in Dubai may prescribe corticosteroid injections.

Treatments with Epidural Steroids:Injecting a local anaesthetic into the affected area helps decrease swelling and pain. Although the symptoms could be short-lived, they can last for months for some individuals.

Does The Pain Of Sciatica Go Away?The typical duration of sciatica pain is four to six weeks, though it can extend beyond that. Seeing a doctor about your pain is necessary if it's becoming worse, not getting better, or getting in the way of your everyday life. They will provide suggestions for treatment.

Feeling the Aches and PainsWhen you have sciatica, the pain travels from your back down your leg and eventually ends on the other side of your body. You might feel a dull ache, a searing fire, or a searing agony since everyone's pain threshold is different.

Surgery to Relieve Sciatica PainSurgical options are explored when non-invasive treatments fail or when severe nerve compression causes paralysis, incontinence, or unbearable pain. The procedure of microdiscectomy involves removing the herniated portion of the disc that is compressing the sciatic nerve. This minimally invasive procedure has been quite successful. In cases of spinal stenosis, a section of the vertebra called the lamina is removed, creating greater space for the nerves.

[drarunnair]

Complications & Prevention of Hernia

If your are facing the problem of Hernia or recently undergo the hernia repair or hernia surgery or facing any hernia complications and looking best ways to prevent hernia complications then you’re at the right place. In this Blog, Dr. Arun Nair – Hernia Specialist in Thrissur guides on the what is different hernia complications and how to prevent them. If you have a hernia, you know the pain and discomfort. The look of a hernia can also be disquieting. But you don’t have to live with it, and you can enjoy life again. The risk of complications is higher in patients who do not take care of themselves properly during the postoperative period. You should know about the various complications that can occur after hernia surgery.

What Is Hernia?

A hernia occurs when an internal organ or tissue pokes through a weak spot in the surrounding muscle or towel. This can produce a visible bulge or lump, generally in the tummy or groin. Hernias may lead to discomfort, pain, and implicit complications if not addressed instantly. generally, surgery is needed to repair the weakened area and return the organ or towel to its proper position, furnishing relief and restoring normal function. There is no other way to complete hernia repair than through surgery. With the latest cutting-edge advancements, hernia surgery and recovery are quicker than ever before. However, to get yourself feeling your best, and prevent further hernias from forming

What Are The Complications Of Hernia?

Hernia complications, as explained by Dr Arun Nair, can vary and encompass:

Strangulation: This is when a hernia becomes trapped, leading to a cut-off blood supply. It can cause severe pain, nausea, puking, and potentially life-changing towel damage if not instantly treated.

Obstruction: If a hernia blocks the normal flow of contents through the digestive system, it can trigger symptoms like constipation, bloating, abdominal distension, and discomfort. This obstruction may necessitate urgent medical attention.

Incarceration: When a hernia becomes trapped with its blood force completely, it can Cause pain, discomfort, and difficulty in pushing the hernia back into place. Without proper operation, this condition can worsen and may cause surgical intervention.

Recurrence: After hernia repair surgery, there is a risk of the hernia recreating, especially if underlying factors like rotundity, habitual coughing, or heavy lifting aren’t addressed. These factors can increase the liability of hernia rush over time.

Prevention of Hernia:

Dr Arun Nair highlights practical steps to prevent hernias:

Maintain a Healthy Weight: Keep your weight in check with a balanced diet and regular exercise to ease the strain on your abdominal muscles, lowering hernia risks.

Be Mindful of Lifting: Use proper lifting techniques to avoid muscle strain and hernia development, especially when handling heavy objects.

Mind Your Posture: Good posture strengthens abdominal muscles, reducing hernia vulnerability. Sit, stand, and lift with proper posture to protect against hernias.

Quit Smoking: Smoking weakens tissues and increases hernia risks. Quitting can enhance tissue strength and decrease hernia chances.

Tackle Chronic Cough: Address persistent coughing promptly to prevent abdominal muscle strain and hernia formation.

Prevent Constipation: Maintain a high-fiber diet, stay doused, and address constipation instantly to lower the threat of hernias from straining during bowel movements.

Use Supportive Gear: Consider using abdominal binders or belts during heavy lifting or strenuous activities for added abdominal muscle support and reduced hernia risks.

Hernias occur when internal organs or towels protrude through weakened muscles, causing discomfort and implicit complications that may require surgery. Dr. Arun Nair is robotic And Laparoscopic Surgeon in Thrissur, highlights complications of Hernia like strangulation, obstruction, incarceration, hydrocele, and rush, emphasizing the significance of timely treatment. He also recommends preventative measures such as maintaining a healthy weight, proper lifting ways, good posture, quitting smoking, managing habitual cough, preventing constipation, and using probative gear to reduce hernia pitfalls and ameliorate abdominal health.

[madamlaydebug]

Did you know that over 18% of Americans suffer from anxiety disorders? That’s over 40 million people! The percentage increases to over 25% in teenagers. And the number of people affected rises to over 284 million worldwide.

Anxiety and stress can lead to a range of health issues and related mental illnesses. It is essential to address anxiety when it occurs, to prevent escalation, side effects, and long term impact. But while Western medicine is focused on clinical diagnosis and pharmaceutical intervention, there are many simple ways to reduce anxiety and stress, and benefit from related positive health outcomes.

What are the dangers of suffering from chronic stress and anxiety? Let's find out!

Chronic fatigue

Ulcers

Panic attacks

Heart disease

Respiratory disorders

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Migraines

Chronic diseases

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease

The long term impact of anxiety can be severe, so it is essential to treat anxiety early and often to prevent and reduce the risk of serious side effects. Follow these 5 simple tips to manage stress and anxiety:

1) Take Some Time For Yourself. Modern life is so busy, and sometimes we just need to slow down and chill out. Taking some time for yourself to relax and disconnect from the world is important to manage chronic stress and anxiety. At the end of the day, relax and enjoy your favorite activities, like spending time with your loved ones, or enjoying a cup of Dr. Sebi's Stress Relief Herbal Tea.

2) Make Time For What Makes You Happy. Life doesn't have to be all work and no play! Set aside time for things you enjoy. Try to do something every day that makes you feel good, and it will help relieve your stress. It doesn’t have to be a ton of time -- even 15 to 20 minutes will do.

3) Exercise. Working out regularly is one of the best ways to relax your body and mind. It doesn't have to be strenuous exercise, but taking a walk after meals or stretching before bed can tremendously improve your mood. Check this video to find out more benefits of stretching.

4) Eat Healthily. Stress can take a toll on your body’s natural defenses, but eating the right foods can offer relief. It's normal to feel wrung out sometimes by the stress of daily life and, unfortunately, we tend to reach for junk food, but high-calorie or sugary foods only trick us into thinking we feel better. Eating healthy food-and making that a conscious choice-can actually offer some real stress relief. Follow Dr. Sebi's Nutritional Guide and hydrate properly to make sure you're providing your body with the best tools to manage anything that comes your way!

5) Deep Breathing. Breathing is such a normal bodily function that most people take it for granted. However, stress can make people fall into a harmful cycle of breathing and anxiety. Anxious people are generally taking short, shallow breaths at increasing frequency. While this is a symptom of anxiety, it is actually also a cause and further perpetuates the feeling of anxiousness. Anxiety leads to shallow breathing, which leads to more anxiety, which leads to shallower breathing, and so on. As you can imagine, everyone agrees that it is essential to build good breathing habits and here are some of the key health benefits of deep breathing that have been discovered:

Lowers harmful effects of cortisol

Lowers your heart rate

Calming impact on the brain

Regulates blood pressure

Reduces lactic acid build-up

Improves core muscle stability

Increases the volume of oxygen received by the body

Boosts the immune system

Improves energy metabolism

Allows improved healing capabilities

Results in more organized electrical patterns in the brain

Positively impacts memory

Improves intense exercise capabilities

Whatever you choose to do, remember that managing chronic stress and anxiety is as important for good health as any other measure you take!

[writer59january13]

Bane of dyschezia

Constipation spoilt rare visit

with eldest daughter

(yesterday - November twenty sixth

two thousand twenty two)

currently housed near

Rittenhouse Square, Pennsylvania.

Less than twelve hours

after a cocktail comprising

handful of prunes,

four psyllium husk capsules,

plus three dulcolax.

Myself and missis

privy to meet our grand kittens (tortoiseshell synonymous tabby cats patterned with small blotches of white

referred to as "tortico," a portmanteau of "tortie" and "calico."

We immensely enjoyed

the company of our eldest

oftentimes referred as "star student"

when as a little girl and adolescent

in grade, middle and high school,

she exhibited a penchant

as high achieving

(academically gifted) progeny,

who avidly enrolled

in advanced placement classes

(while also participating

in orchestra, track and field,

including other extracurricular activities),

and succeeded mastering challenging

rigorous material with flying colors,

thus no surprise when

acceptance notice with full scholarship

arrived courtesy

University of Pennsylvania.

I just asked her permission to share the filial bonding of first born with said father and mother

who (though financially and emotionally challenged)

enjoyed the role of parenthood, and consider (both) progeny

as an unwitting mentor

teaching me how

to become more selfless,

plus allowing, enabling, and providing

an opportunity to learn how

to play games without frontiers,

and not feeling sorry

to lose more'n an uno

of an ounce of manhood.

An agonizing lower gastrointestinal ache,

whereby sharp jagged pains

shot thru gluteus maximus

(grossly hyperbolically analogous

to being disemboweled)

sabotaged ability to enjoy

the topnotch perfect hospitality,

yet I did try to distract myself

getting acquainted

with two adorable

four footed creatures

with scientific name felis catus.

Worse case scenario of bowel obstruction

found yours truly

entering inescapable

catastrophization realm

far more frightful than outer limits of twilight zone, where dark shadows

haunt psyche as though

one entered night gallery

filled with gruesome pictures

emblematic of macabre scenes.

Despite aggravating, debilitating,

gnawing, jabbing, maddening

spasms akin to daggers

plaguing one or another sphincter muscles,

I did manage (as iterated above)

to jump/kick start socialization.

Twinge of disappointment arose

to bring affable family rapprochement to a premature close

methought recollected how rare,

when broach of estrangement erupted

somewhat analogous envisioning

gushing geyser like phenomena,

how Old Faithful steadily grows

less pronounced over time

contention twixt me

and daughter number one

soon bitterness vanquished

and lingering hostility dissolved

we no longer appear

as strong forces (think

like magnetic poles) that oppose

each other, but rancor

diminished into infinity of zeroes.

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Love and Medicine ~ 12

MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 2,815ish

Summary: You are still trying to cope with the fact that Steve’s married. (Read note at the end of the chapter.)

I do not own Grey’s Anatomy or Marvel.

You and Natasha eventually found your way back to your house and into your bedroom’s adjoining bathroom. Natasha was in the bathtub as you laid on the floor.

“It's not us. It's them,” you said. “Them and their stupid boy penises. They didn't tell me they had a wife. They gave absolutely no warning that they were going to break up with you.”

“It's not that Banner broke up with me,” Natasha began. “It's how he broke up with me. Like it was business. Like it was a business transition like he's the boss of me!”

“He is the boss of you.”

“And what's worse is that I care.”

"I'm gonna throw up again.” You moved so that you were leaned over the toilet bowl. "No. Wait. False alarm.”

“Look, the problem is estrogen.”

“No, the problem is tequila.”

“I used to be all business, and then he goes and gets me pregnant.”

“With the stupid boy penis.”

“Now, I'm having hormone surges. He ruined me. I'm ruined. He turned me into this fat, stupid, pregnant girl. Who cares! Estrogen!”

Having heard the commotion from your bathroom, Val, Scott, and Clint found themselves standing in the doorway.

“Penises,” you stated. “Penises Val.”

“Estrogen, Scott. Estrogen,” Nat added.

“Okay…” Scott said, looking around. “What did I miss?”

“I came home to full on vomit drama,” Val explained. “Apparently she dumped Derek and her—“ Val pointed Nat’s way. “She’s been sleeping with Banner!”

“What?”

“So you really broke up with Rogers?” Clint asked.

“I feel empty,” you responded.

“Two hours of vomiting will do that to you,” Val said with a shrug.

“You’re lucky,” Nat added. “I feel pissed off.”

~~~

Arriving in the parking garage, you could clearly see Steve waiting for you. Getting out of your car, you slammed the door as he came closer.

“Stop,” you growled at him.

“What?” Steve questioned, pretending to be all innocent.

“You're stalking me. Stop it.” You continued into the building with Steve following you.

“Did we not communicate last night?”

“Yes.”

“Did you hear what I was saying?”

“Your wife screwed your best friend.”

“And then from that point on she no longer existed to me anymore.”

“You had marital amnesia?”

“No.” Steve reached out and grabbed your arm, successfully stopping you. “Come on I bared my soul to you last night.”

“It's not enough.”

“How can that be not enough?”

“When you waited 2 months to tell me and I had to find out by her showing up, all leggy and fabulous and telling me herself, you pulled the plug. I'm a sink with an open drain. Anything that you say runs right out. There is no enough.” You pulled away hurrying inside with your friends after you.

“She probably could've picked a better metaphor,” Clint commented.

“Give her a break,” Scott said. “She’s got a hangover.”

With a huff, Steve followed. Tony, who was also coming in, quickly caught up to him.

“Dr. Rogers!” He called.

“Dr. Stark,” Steve replied.

“We have an organ donor coming in this afternoon. We're doing a harvest.”

“Commendable, but—“

“In OR one at four.”

“I’m in OR one at four.”

“Your surgery is non-critical.”

“You can’t bump me!”

“As Chief, I can. You’ll be first up tomorrow.”

“Interim Chief. Bump somebody else!”

“You’re in the OR we need.”

“Why can’t the harvest be done somewhere else?”

“Cause the donor’s coming in from a small facility. We have the location, the airport nearby and the staff. Your surgery is rescheduled.” Then Tony turned, heading away.

“I’m not done talking about this, Stark!”

“Well, I am! See ya around Rogers!”

~~~

Rounds weren’t too bad, especially because you successfully ignored both Peggy and Steve. It even became slightly better when Gamora called you in for a bowel obstruction. Except the guy wouldn’t tell you what he ingested.

“You know, Mr. Sanders, it would be easier if you just told us what you ingested,” you pried, taking him to radiology. “We’ll know anyone, once we see the films.”

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” Mr. Sanders responded.

“Mr. Sanders, whatever you’ve ingested could kill you. Are you sure you don’t just want to tell me?”

“It might offend you.”

“It might? Is it drugs?”

“No.”

“Mr. Sanders.”

“It’s not drugs, I promise.”

“Well, good, I’m glad.”

“I… Nope, not going to tell you.”

“Fine by me. We just reached radiology, so I’m going to find out anyway.”

It wasn’t long before Mr. Sanders was back in his room and the radiologist had found you with the scans.

“It’s drugs,” the radiologist stated handing the scans over to you. “Looks like at least 13 small balloons in the bowel. My guess, cocaine.”

“Hmm,” you hummed, holding up the scans up to the light. 

They didn’t totally look like balloons, so you weren’t completely convinced. Before you made any judgement calls, you found Gamora.

“It’s drugs,” you told her, handing her the scans. 

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she muttered, placing the scans onto a screen. “One burst and he’s dead in minutes. Okay, what do we do?”

“Run his bowel.”

“And what does that mean?”

“Running the bowel entails removing all 36 feet of the intestine from the body cavity, hand searching for the balloons and then cutting them out.”

“Good. Book an OR and get two other interns on board, need all the hands we can get.”

“Dr. Gamora,” Y/N called as Gamora tired to leave. 

“Yes?”

“Are you sure they’re balloons?”

“You have reason to believe they’re not?”

“Well, the more I look the more I realize that this one,” you pointed to the scans, “has a face.” Gamora looked closer. “And this one… they all do.”

“I’ll be damned. They’re Barbies. He swallowed 13 Barbie doll heads.”

~~~

“Barbie heads?” Scott repeated after you told him, Natasha, and Peter what happened.

“Yeah,” you responded. “And Gamora wants two of you to join us in surgery.”

“I’m already booked.”

“I can do it,” Natasha said.

“Me too,” Peter said.

“My foster mothers used to buy me Barbie dolls. All sorts of them.”

“I also wanted one,” you added. “My parents never let me.”

“I dissected them. Cut off their arms, shaved their heads.”

“You’re a little scary,” Scott stated. “You know that?”

“I try.”

“Sounds like there’s a sick and twisted story behind this,” Peter said.

“No, they’re sexist, distorted devil toys that create unrealistic expectations carrying to the porn driven minds of men,” Natasha expressed.

“You swallow a bitter pill this morning, Romanoff?” Gamora questioned, coming up to you interns. “They’re just dolls. Quill, call for a psych consult. Then see if he has family.”

“Should I still book the OR?” You wondered.

“Blocked bowels become necrotic bowels. Check with Dr. Stark, see if we can bump someone. Those Barbies gotta come out today.”

~~~

Gamora had given Clint the impossible assignment to revive a patient. And, unfortunately for him, he was stuck with Laura.

“Any family members waiting?” He asked as he stapled up the man’s chest.

“Still trying to reach them,” Laura responded.

“Good. Well, I mean, not good that we haven’t reached anyone. Good that I don’t have to, uh…”

“It’s always hard.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry about Peter.”

“It’s fine. It’s good. No need to talk about it.”

“You do understand that I had sex with him before you, not during, right? Because when you and I were together—“

“I understand.”

“I just wanted to clear the air.”

“Oh, it’s clear. Perfectly clear… okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“And about the syphilis—“

“We really on’t have to talk about it.”

“Which is, I mean, I didn’t know I had it. I definitely should have, I’m a nurse. Like, there was a sore and I was all itchy.”

“Okay!” He backed away almost knocked the tray beside him over. “You know I, uh, got it. You know things happen.” He moved to the door, away from Laura.

“They really do. Things you wish you could change.”

Clint’s pager rang and he looked down. “It’s the Chief, I gotta take this.”

“Sure… Clint.”

“Yes?”

“You have to call it.”

“Call it?”

“Him.”

“Oh, yeah.” He looked at his watch. “Time of death 1:37.” He turned to leave again.

“And, Clint,” he paused, not turning around this time, “if we could, I wouldn’t mind trying again.”

“Maybe… some day…”

~~~

Tony was walking down the hall with Maria, going over the donor surgery.

“When is the donor getting here?” He asked.

“Should be here at 3. Harvest team’s not heir way in.”

“I also need to touch base with the transplant center about a patient here getting his son’s liver.”

You walked up. “Dr. Stark,” you called. “Dr. Gamora needs an OR and they’re all booked.”

“For?”

“An emergent bowel obstruction.” She handed him the scans.

“Drugs?”

“Barbie heads. 13 of them.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

Maria looked at the films. “I can see their little faces,” she commented. “That patient must have serious issues.”

“Hill, can your hernia in 1 be bumped?” Tony asked.

“Most likely.”

“Do it.”

“On it.” Maria left.

“Thank you, Dr. Stark,” you said, moving to go.

Tony grabbed your wrist and stopped you. “Y/N, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not. I’m really fine.” And you pulled away.

~~~

You, Gamora, and a doctor from psych were currently discussing the psych evaluation on Mr. Sanders.

“He’s not talking. It could be pica,” the psych doctor stated. “Doubtful for a man his age. Maybe an oedipal complex or an idolization of the doll as his partners. Or it could be that he simply enjoys it.”

“Now I've seen a lot of strange things in strange places but how does he enjoy this?” Gamora questioned.

“He’d enjoy it when they came out.”

“I didn’t need to hear that.”

“Dr. L/N,” Peggy called as she walked back. “May I speak with you for a moment?” You looked at Gamora for help.

“Don’t look at me. I’m not gonna help you.”

With a sigh, you went to Peggy and the two of you began walking away.

“I assume he told you why he left me,” she said.

Annoyed, you stopped in front of her. “Look, Dr. Rogers, will all do respect, this has nothing to do with me,” you said.

“Really? So you didn’t take him back. Good girl.”

“And int he future, I’d appreciate it if we could keep our relationship strictly professional.” You walked away.

“Y/N!” You stopped and turned back slightly to give Peggy your attention. “Sometimes people do desperate things to get someone’s attention.” You shook your head and started walking again. “There are two sides to every story!”

~~~

You, Peter, and Scott arrived at lunch first. The three of you picked a large table farthest away from the others.

“Look what I went out and got,” Peter said, putting a grocery bag on the table.  Opening the bag, he revealed 13 headless Barbie dolls.

“Really, Quill?” You wondered.

“That’s gross,” Scott cringed.

“I think it’s funny,” Peter said, smiling, as he laid them out on the table.

“Of course you do,” you muttered.

“Oh! That is sick!” Clint commented as him, Natasha, and Val walked up.

“Who would do that?” Val asked. They looked to see Peter smiling.

“Oh, look!” Natasha said, picking up a doll. “See Barbie fly.” She throw it at Peter, who ducked.

“Hey, Clint,” Laura greeted, walking by.

“Hey,” he replied, sitting down at not looking at you. The interns all gave him a look. “What?”

“She was trying to make up with you, Clint,” you told him. “You should go eat with her.”

“No, I shouldn’t…. No.”

“She’s cute and she likes you,” Scott said.

“You shouldn’t let a little syph get in the way of that,” Val added.

“It’s not the syph,” Clint insisted.

“It’s so the syph,” Natasha said.

“It’s not the syph!”

“Then what is it?” Val asked. Clint didn’t answer, looking down. “Oh.”

“What?” You wondered. Clint simply shrugged. “What is it?”

“There’s this other girl,” Val responded.

“Val!” Clint exclaimed.

“Other girl?” Natasha questioned. “You have another girl?!”

“He hasn’t told her that he likes her yet,” Val said.

“Val!” Clint exclaimed again. “This isn’t high school.”

“Clint has a little crush.”

“I do not… It’s a thing, a very personal thing. One day I would like to build on this thing with this other girl—woman. She’s all woman.”

“What are you doing, Clint?” You asked, slightly harsh.

“I-I don’t—“

“With Laura. What are you doing with her?”

“Oh. Nothing.”

“You’re letting her think you’re emotionally available. You’re letting her think she has a chance. And there is nothing worse in the world than think you have a chance when you really don’t!”

“Y/N is right,” Natasha said. “Tell her that there’s someone else. And tell her why, Clint. I mean— I mean at least give her the chance to have some feelings about it!”

“Why are you both yelling at me?” Clint asked.

“Because of the estrogen Clint! Because of all the estrogen!”

~~~

“Was it an act of desperation?” You asked Mr. Sanders as you headed into his surgery.

“Not at all,” he replied.

“Something to attract attention?”

“No.”

“I’m just trying to understand here. Why 13 doll heads?”

“Well because 14 would’ve been too much.”

You cringed and helped the nurses get Mr. Sanders on the operating table before going to scrub. It was Gamora, you, Peter, Val, and Natasha in the surgery.

“I think it has something to do with his mother,” Val suggested. “Maybe she always wanted a girl and gave him Barbie dolls because of it.”

“Ah, ah, I’ve got another one,” Peter said, showing the head in the intestine.

“Uh!” You groaned.

“Doyen clamps to Romanoff,” Gamora ordered. “L/N, push the head up to the incision.” You began to squeeze the doll head up through the intestine.

“Maybe his mother looked like a Barbie doll and he’s into voodoo,” Peter suggested. “Instead of sticking pins in… well…”

Dr. Stark entered the OR. “You good here?” He asked Gamora, observing you though.

“Couple more heads to go,” Gamora responded.

“Then L/N stay here. All you other interns I need you on other cases.”

You met Tony’s eyes before he walked out of the OR.

~~~

Clint was put on a case with Steve. They were about to go separate ways so that Clint could run labs, when Steve stopped. He looked back at Clint.

“Is she okay?” Steve asked.

“Who?” Clint questioned. He looked up at Steve and knew. “Y/N? She’s… hanging in there.”

“Look out for her.”

“I will.”

Then Steve walked away. Before Clint could get really far, Laura found him.

“The family of the guy we worked on this morning is here,” she told him.

“Thanks for letting me know,” Clint responded.

“Clint, I just want an answers, so that I can get on with my life if I need to.”

“Look, maybe I’m not over the Peter thing yet or the syph thing… And I really want to be, but there’s also another girl. And, to me, it doesn’t matter there’s this other guy and frankly I wouldn’t care if she gave me the Ebola virus… I like you, Laura, I really do. Just… I—“

“You’re going to need some time.”

“Yeah.” He kissed her forehead. “Thank you for understanding.”

~~~

Steve was standing alone in the elevator when Peggy walked in, both dressed to leave.

“Just when the day was improving,” he murmured.

“You told Y/N what happened?” Peggy asked.

“I did. Why? What did you tell her?”

“That sometimes people do desperate things to attract attention.”

“What? Wow. That's your side of this? That I didn't pay you enough attention. Is that you were thinking when you got naked with my best friend?”

Peggy reached over and stopped the elevator. "No, by that point I wasn't thinking at all Steve. By that point I was just scratching an itch. We got successful you and me. We got busy and we got lazy. We didn't even bother to fight any more Steve. And Bucky was there and I missed you. And now I'm sorry.” Steve restarted the elevator. “I’m more sorry than you can possibly imagine. But at least I'm talking to you about it.” The doors opened and Steve walked out. “Steve.”

“I’m a sink with an open drain, honey.”

~~~

“Did you get them all?” Mr. Sanders asked. You were checking on him, post-surgery.

“Yes,” you replied. “It wasn’t easy or very pleasant. How do you feel?”

“Empty… I feel empty now.”

“Yeah. I've been feeling a little bit of that myself lately.”

“I can tell.”

“Mr. Sanders, why does eating doll heads fill you up? What’s the satisfaction?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Would it be too much information?”

“Might.”

“Maybe I’m better left in the dark.”

next chapter >

I leave for Disney World in a week. It is the last big family vacation that I will be on for a while. Because of that, I will not be on tumblr March 19th through March 24th. I will actually be deleting the app so that it’s not a distraction.

Most likely, nothing will be posted during that time. If something is, it will have been queued up. Things that are posted while I’m out of town will not have tag lists attached. I will put this note in all the fic posts until then.

So do not come at me for spending time with my family instead of including the tag list. (I say that knowing that people won’t care and still come at me.... be respectful and get over yourself.)

If you want to be added to the tag list, please dm me or send in an ask.

[castielslostwings]

Please Help

I try my best to donate or signal boost any GFMs/fundraisers that come across my timelines. I try not to ever accept gifts or ask for help, but here I am.

I am disabled. Despite that, I write a LOT of free content for the Destiel fandom. My dogs keep me sane. They comfort me and are my only real life friends. I rarely leave my house, but at least I have them. They are all rescues, all already given second chances. All seniors with medical issues that we knew could become costly at any time. They take hundreds of dollars of medication every month. We are at the vet frequently.

All that, I handle. But today, my sweetest dog was rushed to the emergency vet and diagnosed with a complicated bowel obstruction. She needs emergency surgery, which she will get regardless of whether I can pay the credit card bill in the long run or not. The estimate is around $7k.

I hate doing this, but I need to. I know dogs are not as important as housing or domestic violence and I understand if you want to direct your dollars to those causes. These dogs happen to help me create the work I do for y’all, so I thought it would be ok to ask. If you have a spare dollar or the spoons to signal boost, I would be forever greatful. I have a Ko-fi, if you’ve ever enjoyed my work.

https://ko-fi.com/castielslostwings

[captain-aralias]

Life stuff

this feels kind of weird, because i’ve never used my tumblr like this, but i would have written something on my livejournal, and i want people to know - i just dont want to have to tell people about it, or really talk about it at all. 

but i also wanted to write this, idk. 

(TW: impending death of a parent)

my mum has cancer. 

it’s a rare form of cancer, called peritoneal cancer, which is similar to but different from ovarian cancer - i think it mostly gets diagnosed (like my mum’s) when it’s too late to do anything about it. all the treatment has been palliative only i.e. letting her live as long and as comfortably as possible.

she was diagnosed in september last year - about a year ago, a few months after running the ‘virtual’ london marathon on the isle of wight, where she lives, and obviously deep in lockdown. 

as someone undergoing chemo, she was deemed extremely vulnerable to covid, and so she spent most of the early pandemic isolating. she also said she didn’t see any point in my brother and i visitng her, particularly given the risks, because we could talk via facetime - which is fair enough - all of which meant my brother and i didn’t go to visit her until May this year, after she’d done the first lot of chemo and was already doing much better again. 

a few months after that, we found out that while she’d responded really well to the chemo, her cancer wasn’t responding at all to the maintenance drugs that were suposed to stop it coming back, so she came off the drugs completely. medical advice was basically chemo is as effective whenever you do it, so you might as well enjoy your life for a while, we’ll monitor it every month, and when things start to get too bad, we’ll put you back in chemo. 

it’s friday tomorrow - so two fridays ago, i saw my mum in london after she’d just seen hamilton with her partner, graham. both of them loved hamilton. her hair had grown back, she seemed pretty normal. about a week later, she was in A&E - and she’s been in the hospital all week. she’s got a total bowel obstruction, which means she can’t eat and hasn’t eaten since last week.

now in a weird situation where there are a few tricky, difficult options (including being moved off the island back onto the mainland to a bigger hospital) that will mean that she stays alive long enough to get the chemo, which will probably get her back to hamilton-watching strength, or ... she could die really soon. like, in a few days. 

we can’t visit. her partner can’t visit because covid - there’s this really sad-making photo of him looking happy on the phone through a window to my mum, also on the phone, inside the hospital. 

i feel...

???? :( :( :( ....

i guess this is the main point of the post. i’m not writing this crying, i’m writing it pretty neutrally - because my brain isn’t really processing it right now, and mostly doesn’t process it. 

i did cry earlier today while on the phone to various people, and then i went back to work. i hate crying, i hate being sad, and i dont like people comforting me, because it makes me realise that i have something to be sad about. 

i’ve known she had cancer for a year. i haven’t been able to hang out with her most of that time. i would say, we are fairly close, although not nearly as close as some families. we don’t talk every week, but we talk regularly, and have seen each other regularly. 

i’m so incredibly privileged that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, even though i’m 35. i’ve never been to a funeral, which seemed like a major life win and now i think was a mistake, i should have gone to funerals for people i card about less to help get used to it. 

the literal only comparison i have to how i feel is when my cat Anton died suddenly  about 3 years ago - i handled it with a mix of not thinking about it, being intensely sad for as brief a period as i could, and probably by thinking about how sad my girlfriend was about it, and sort of sidestepping my own feelings in comparison. 

i remember when my last remaining grandparent died - and i was about 14 or something - i wasn’t sad for myself, i was only sad for her my dad being sad. for ages, i worried that i was not going to be sad enough about this - and i still sort of am. 

but i also passionately hate the idea of being sad and i know i’ll look to avoid it as much as possible, and try and get on with my life. 

i know my mum dying isn’t about me - when people write after death it’s about the person who died, obviously. that makes sense. but this post isn’t about my mum, who is a very cool person, much cooler than me - it’s about me. because i am self-obsessed and this is going to wreck my life for a while.

it’s weird, because i can see it on the horizon but it’s not happening yet. and i dont know whether that’s good or bad - i feel like it’s good, in a way. someone ages ago told me that the grieving period starts when you get the news. that seems very true to me - but also, i know that it’s going to ramp up, and so i’m like in the expectation of true grief right now. 

it’s sort of like she died, but also is still going to die, but also i can magically still talk to her. which is really nice, in a way, it’s like a second chance, because i know i didn’t reach out enough before she had cancer. and i’m aware enough of my own actions that i know this is what’s been going on in my head the past year - i should reach out more, because she has cancer, but i dont want to make it seem like i’m reaching out because she has cancer, even though she knows i know she has cancer....... and also, i’m busy writing this fic. /o\

the fact that she seemed to recover (even though my mum insisted on saying ‘i am not recovered, i’m going to die soon’ like several time as a day as a disclaimer) also totally messed with my head, because i knew logically - ok, it’s happening. but also, things seemed so normal when we speak. even when i called her today, and she hasn’t eaten for a week, it seemed normal. 

btw - i realised this week i had no idea how cancer killed people. my mum is a scientist and has looked up all kinds of things about what’s killing her; i’m clearly a simon snow and didn’t want to think about things i can’t help. if you’d asked me, i’d have said like... it poisons you or something, or blocks bloodflow to your brain. not what i think will actually do it which is.... starvation. or being too weak to survive being pumped full of the poison that is intended to kill the cancer. (that one i guess i could have predicted.) man - cancer sucks. i mean, we all knew it. 

(i failed to get into cambridge university at interview stage, many years ago. the man who interviewed me gave me some extremely memorable feedback, which is that i needed to dial back the ‘defensive irony’ - which i thnk in that context meant i put myself down and tried to make a joke of everything. i remember when i got the phonecall to say Anton, my cat, was dead, i literally did not know what to do with my voice - because my instinct was to try and make the vet feel better, and also to present myself as bright and capable, and yet this unexpected and devasting news had just come through. rainbow wrote something sort of similar because she’s a good writer, for shepard as he tells penny about his curse. i feel like that.) 

what else did i want to say? 

i thought i had more time. ‘hamilton’ will probably always be tied to this moment in my mind, because of how much i’ve spoken to my mum about it in the past few weeks (i sent her the remix - she liked it, she listened to it in hospital while trying to drink more than 100ml of fluids) but yeah - this is basically a line from hamilton here. whatever. don’t make me feel my own feelings, let me just quote things. i dont like my own feelings. (no, i dont want to go to therapy - they’d make me talk about my feelings all the time, i’m british for god’s sake.) 

i’m 35 - my mum is 68. i didn’t think she’d die this early or that i’d have to deal with this yet. but then i also don’t think bad things are ever going to happen to me - because mostly they haven’t, see above. i wear a mask and am double vaccinated because i’m not an asshole, but i dont really believe i’ll get covid because bad things don’t happen to me. i didn’t think my mum would die - maybe ever, but definitely not yet. she’s been retired a decade after teaching (science) and has enjoyed it. 

i thought i had time to not have kids yet - which is the other thing (like hamilton) that this moment is really tied up with for me. i feel like 35 is getting quite old, but also not that old to still not have kids, but intend to maybe have them. my feelings about kids were basically like - up until like 25, i thought, yes, definitely. i mean, before i had a realtiosnhip (22-ish), i just assumed i would probably have a het marriage and have kids etc, like people do, but after that we were still talking, yes, children at some point. 

didn’t prioritise it for a few reasons - none of my close friends had children until quite recently, so it just didn’t seem like an urgent thing in the way that it probably does for people with different friendship groups. waiting to be settled enough in a job to be able to take maternity leave without it feeling like a rip off for my employer. waiting for a good time in erin’s PhD writing cycle. and then pandemic. and then a few years ago, maybe as i turned 30, i thought - maybe we won’ have kids, because we still haven’t - and i vocalised that to erin. 

also, i know a lot of people are gay and have children, so it’s not like it’s a thing that is impossible at all, but it’s much much harder if you have to leave your home and your relationship in order to get a child. it has to be a very very conscious decisions. i have friend who are men who have good genes, but we’re not so close i want to ask them for their sperm/to be involved however remotely in making a child - and (i was surprised to discover) (what a lot of things i dont know anything about) you an’t really just buy sperm, it’s not truly legal except through a clinic. and it’s extremely expensive to get inseminated in a clinic, and the NHS don’t really do that, so you do have to pay it. i thought kids would be expensive after they were born, but not before. and i REALLY wanted a house, much much more than - i think even today - i’ve ever wanted a child. i REALLY wanted a house - and now we have a house, and it’s pretty good. but - that’s where the money went, until the pandemic - thanks pandemic - so now we do have some disposable cash at last, because i didn’t commute. 

but now erin is worried about climate change - and wheher it’s right to bring more children into the world, and other things. and.... i think i do want to be pregnant, it’s what i’m planning for - don’t leave this job (which admittedly i also really like, and pays me well - i dont thin i need to leave) because next stop maternity leave, but..... 

i don’t know whether i am thinking, time ot have kids because my best friend just had a baby (the baby’s name is horatio - for real, i actually love this name) (i also haven’t seen her or the baby except over skype, because anna - my friend - is, like my mother, also scared of pandemic) and my brain is like - ok, well, if anna is doing it, i guess the time is here 

AND - i know there’s a large part of me that was like, gotta be pregnant and ideally have the baby before my mum dies so she gets to see that she had a grandchild. my brother and i are both queer, btw, in case you were wondering - he’s considering whether he wants to transition right now (but is still happy with he/him pronouns) and - you may find this astonishing, but i genuinely don’t know whether he’d consider himself ace, or has been in relationships. he’s very private, he has OCD and is in therapy - but anyway, he’s probably not having kids anytime soon (i think!) and graham - my mum’s boyfriend/partner of 10+ years. -has grandchildren, but my extremely middleclass white (but definitely not conservative voters, always 100% not-tory) parents ended up with me and my brother.... and i don’t know, as i say, i don’t know whether my brain is saying ‘have kids before it’s too late’ - although i know by now that it will be too late. even if my mum recovers from this, this time, i don’t think i can produce a child before she dies - and she isn’t asking me too, she’s not like that, but i would have liked her to be there. i thought she would be. 

so - i’m thinking about that. also, about getting a dog. i really want a dog - although i don’t want to upset the three cats (one we’ve had for eight years or so, the other two we got after Anton died). it’s ALSO really hard and expensive to get a dog. you’d think with all these ‘a dog isn’t just for the pandemic, a dog is for life’ type adverts around, that it would be easy to adcidentally get a dog - i’ve looked! you ccan’t get a dog unless you have no cats and you’re super experienced and can take a dog with lots of trauma or medical problems, or you’re willing to pay thousands of pounds. like - even for a regular not even pedigree dog - at least a thousand. pedigree dog - several thousand. i dont want a puppy either - i want a dog. 

and - this is embarrassing to admit, but i’ve alrady told erin - i genuinely had a phase of being super annoyed when i’d read fics where someone just ‘got a dog’. it’s not that simple!!! it’s fiction, it doesn’t matter - chill out. the baby thing too - although weirdly not fics where magic meant it was possible to get a baby, weirdly it was smut. i had a brief week or so of crazy (and i don’t think i am that crazy) where i’d read about fictional semen and just be like - wtf, it’s so hard to get hold of that shit. (it’s not real, this isn’t real semen being wasted, calm down - and i dont even really know if i want kids, i might just think i do.) 

the other thing about the bad thing being soon but not yet (but also being all the time, but not if you dnt think about it) is that i’m thinking - should i prioritise writing my remix now, in case my mum dies and i’m too sad to do it, and then i didn’t do my remix? i was definitely thinking this while writing classroom politics (i hope my mum doesn’t die becaue i dont want to be too sad to miss the deadline) and in the run up to AWTWB .....

today i wrote a list of things for work that would need to be picked up if i have to unexpectedly stop working, either because i’m too sad, or because i have to do funeral stuff, or .... i guess legal stuff about settling the estate. (i guess this happens to a lot of people, too, but it’s also a bit of a mindfuck that my brother and i will inherit her house and a bunch of cash when she dies - i’m pretty well off, my brotehr does virtual reality theatre stuff so really isn’t - we’ve talked about how much easier both of our lives will be with a huge injection of cash, and how we dont know what to feel about that) (great news, dogs and kids are really expensive! time to find out whether i really wanted to spend my money on those.) told people i like at work that it’s coming, and that i dont want to talk about it. and mostly just... carrying on with life, really. until it happens. 

it’s so weird how easy it is to carry on most of the time.i know my mum’s partner is not doing nearly so well - he has to cope with an empty house and he’s retired. i’ve had periods - including right now - where i wake up every morning and check my phone to see whehter someone called me or texted me to tell me it’s over. but most of the day i’m actually really fine. i even had an ok day today. and i don’t know whether i want that to be the case, or whether i shouldn’t let myself do that. i dont know what i should prepare for in terms of where i’ll be - will i want lots of stuff to distract me (this is my guess) and work is very good for that, or i will want to clear time and space because i can’t operate and dont want people to offer me comfort. (FYI - this post isn’t written to make people say anything to me, i definitely dont want to talk about it, so please don’t feel you either have to comment or check in on me - i don’t really want you to. it’s enough to have written it, in my own time, in my own space.)

i think i wanted to write this post in a way because i thought i probably wouldnt want to write it after my mum died - because i probably wouldn’t want to say anything about it at all, for a few years. 

my mum keeps telling me about the show ‘jane the virgin’ - which she’s half way through. shhe asked me to give it a try, so i did (she often tells me about shows on radio 4, which i rarely listen to. i thouht i had more time.) i’ve watched an episode (because she has cancer, i should listen to her recommendations)(but i dont want her to know that’s why i did it) and i do quite like - it’s light and frothy and well cut together (although about kids and artificial insemination, of course). i guess in a worse case scenario where i’m too sad to work or write, i will probably watch a lot of this show - which is incredibly not sad - and feel sad about how my mum never finished it. 

BUT ALSO SHE MIGHT BE OK. for a while. 

i dont know how i feel, blargh. anyway. this was a long post. i think i wrote it mostly for me. feelings are weird. covid really sucks and so does cancer. 

going to order some chicken and watch inuyasha.

[kubergrains]

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[millieg-03]

4.20am Sunday, 21/03/2021

I’m pretty restless tonight. The morphine helps me sleep a little, but my arm movement keeps blocking my cannula, resulting in the constant beep on the infusion pump.

My pain levels are tolerable. My tummy is pretty full though, and still no stoma output. I can feel the start of the cramps building up as the morphine is wearing off, but my dose is keeping me consistently comfortable.

Yesterday was a good day. I managed to ‘eat’ two serves of chicken broth, two instant coffees and two apple juices. There hasn’t been a lot of food this week. There has been a lot of craziness though!

My stomal therapy nurse (STN) visited my house on Monday afternoon to insert a catheter into the distal opening of my stoma. As I watched the colonoscopy prep be inserted via catheter into my system, I didn’t envy the missed opportunity to taste it. Gotta take the wins where they come!

7am Tuesday morning, my STN visited again for round two. Inquisitive me watched carefully throughout this process, and helped where I could - I found it quite fascinating.

Round three happened at 9.30am, then for the first time in 9 months I was able to sit on the toilet and ‘go’ like a normal person.

In the day surgery prep room my Dad fielded a message from my beautiful Peter - our home loan had been approved. WooHoo! So excited for our future! Dad stayed by me for a few hours while I waited for my turn in theatre. It’s a routine procedure, but there was this bogey hanging about that gave this unspoken feeling that things were more than just routine. The gravity of the situation was cemented when my surgeon visited me in recovery. He could see tumour recurrence through the scope. His tone gave insight that I will have a long road ahead. This news did not surprise nor shock me.

I grabbed my property bag, got changed & checked my voicemail “I have the paperwork in front of me, I just need to know what your start date will be. We can’t wait for you to join our team” - I tabled that one for the day, called my beautiful Peter & delivered the minimal information provided to me in recovery. Off we went home to grab the cake & present & headed out to dinner for my 5yr old nieces birthday. It was lovely being around family. The genuine joy as she opened her presents & squealed in excitement. All the little kids lining up for a piece of their Snow White birthday cake. And the food! I enjoyed garlic bread, chicken parmy & a piece of Peter’s delicious chocolate cake. Absolutely de-lish.

I was coaxed into slumber that night by sound of waves through my belly. There were wooshes & grumbles, and I soon found sleep.

I got up to empty half my stoma bag at 2am & sought some strong pain relief. The wooshes and grumbles were no longer playing nice. My bag wasn’t as full as normal. The pain relief kicked in, and I went back to sleep.

Peter dropped me at work that next morning. I was quite keen to be back. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy working hard. I enjoy problem solving, and challenging myself to get better outcomes. It was good to be back at work after a few days off. Team meeting went off without a hitch, but concentration became increasingly difficult thereafter. I took an early lunch just to lay down. Not long after returning to the desk I was unable to manage the pain enough to continue working. 12.44pm text to Peter “I think I might need to go to hospital. My stoma hasn’t worked since dinner, my abdo pain is bad & I just threw up”. I laid in the foetal position while my beautiful colleague sat and comforted me. 10 minutes later I was escorted to Peter’s car.

I’m definitely more rascal than refined elegance. I’ve had my fair share of nights out over the years where I’ve ended up a sickly mess. It’s almost a right of passage through your early twenties, right? Well I don’t think I have ever been this messy, and any fibres of decorum I held, I’m pretty sure I left them in the gutter outside the hospital emergency room. Peter dropped me at the door while he found a park. I didn’t make it to the door. The complete contents of my previous night’s dinner was exited into the gutter, and Peter found me in a ball on the ground rocking back & forward. I had a 10/10 pain, even with targin in my system (a slow-release opiate pain relief).

Here I sit, four days later (now 5.15am), still in hospital. I’m restless because I’m on patient transport today to go to Royal Prince Albert Hospital in Sydney. My Thursday MRI scan showed tumour recurrence & spread to surrounding organs. It’s in my ovaries, uterus and small bowel (hence bowel obstruction & excruciating pain). My current understanding is that a kick-arse surgical team from RPAH will remove anything containing tumours. They will take my uterus and ovaries out. They will take some of my small bowel out. My stoma (I’ve named her Betty) looks like becoming a permanent fixture. If there is any activity near my bladder, then some of that will be removed & probably result in a Urostomy (bladder stoma). Mum thinks I should call her Bertha if this does eventuate. I like that. Bertha and Betty.... there’s also one deposit just hanging about a bit higher. I was told it’s not near the lungs, but more sitting in some fatty tissue near my large bowel somewhere. The true extent of things won’t be known until they actually get in there and have a look!

In terms of looking toward our future, I withdrew from the new job. We are still selling our house, but will move in with Mum & Dad and rent our new one out until I’ve recovered enough to return to work.

Transport is tentatively booked for 9.50am, so I’ll get up & do some laps of the ward, then get myself ready for the trip.

(I did 2x 1km walks of the hallway yesterday!).

For now? Over and out - MandyG Xoxox